she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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