saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
