First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
