The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
