neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
