My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
