I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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