I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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