i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
