If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
