WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Randomize
