I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
