At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
