My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm like, not good at living.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
