$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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