I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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