I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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