Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
