I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
