Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
