alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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