I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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