I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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