you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
