This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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