She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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