Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
