On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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