come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
