I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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