did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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