I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
