I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
