note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
