Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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