i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
