I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
