I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
