the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Randomize
