I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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