oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
