Whatcha textin bout Willis?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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