Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
