It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
