Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
