Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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