i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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