remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
