My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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