I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
