WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
