I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I can text with my tongue
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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